How to stop being too nice at work

As human beings it is natural for us to need approval, to be seen as a nice, likeable person among a large percentage of people, both in our personal and our professional life. 

We might not even care about such and such person, but their opinion is somehow important for us. Some people go to great lengths to maintain this facade. Are you one of these people? Are you a pushover? Are you a people-pleaser?

This friend of mine is the most hardworking, sincere person I know. But his colleagues, especially his boss used to walk all over him. He’d tell me how angry he was and would often talk of quitting work. His boss would make him work late, ask him to work even on weekends and public holidays. He would have him run errands for him: get him cigarettes, glass of water, take messages for him on the phone, and when it was his turn for an appraisal, he’d say, “I can’t give you a raise because you’re not working hard enough. Maybe next year.”

He was hurt and almost broke down one day. Others, who were hardly competent, were being promoted and sent to onsite projects in the US and UK. “What am I doing wrong?” he asked. “I’m the one first one in the office and the last to leave. Sometimes I even sleep at work.” I decided enough was enough and told him he was being too nice at work and that he needed to find the nerve to tell his boss, “I need a proper appraisal, and have your office boy get you your cigarettes. It’s not my job.”

Stop Being Too Polite

Do you feel most of the work comes your way because your colleagues are not completing the tasks assigned to them? Every time there’s an anomaly, fingers are pointed at you? That your colleagues get away with things because they know you won’t say squat? It’s time you stopped being too polite,stopped being a brown-noser. You can still have basic manners and etiquettes, but draw a line. If someone is being rude, just take them aside and tell them, “You cannot talk to me like that. This is unacceptable behaviour.” They will not repeat it. Try it, it’s liberating.

Stop being a People-Pleaser

Are you always trying to please those around you? Do you always end up saying Yes, even when you don’t want to? Are you afraid you will hurt their feelings if you say No? It’s a pattern. It gets set in the family, then translates into your friendships and then eventually is established at your work place. You need to learn to set boundaries. If you can’t do something, say so, or else, people can be selfish enough to use you. It’s very logical really. If you put too many things in your mouth, you will not be able to chew any of it properly. So it’s only fair you take less on your plate and do justice to each item.

Learn to be Assertive

You don’t want to be too nice and lose out on opportunities. If you’re in a managerial position, you don’t want your niceness to make your company make any less money. You don’t need to become nasty overnight, but you need to find a midway. You don’t want to be Jack from Titanic. If there’s a way to save yourself, too, why not? If at an appraisal you need to tell someone they are under performing, you might as well say it, or else they would never know and continue to be a deadweight on your team. For the fear of displeasing that one person, would you rather bring the entire team down?

Don’t Always Avoid Confrontation

Yes, confrontation is uncomfortable, but it has to be done sometimes. If at a team meeting, someone comes up with a terrible marketing strategy, you’d do better to challenge the proposition right away, rather than agreeing to follow it and regretting it later. A leaking tap should be tackled immediately, rather than waiting for it to flood the entire house. Man up, and if it means having to confront a difficult employee, so be it.

 Be nice and kind by all means. Say, Thank you, where required. Say, Sorry, where needed. But don’t be a doormat. Stop trying to appease everyone, because you will be not only be hurting yourself in the process, but also your business. It will also prevent you from achieving your true potential. No need to be mean and selfish either. Continue helping others, but out of your own volition, not because you feel cornered. Learn to stand up for yourself because your needs or goals are just as important as anyone else’s. There is no need for a guilt trip here. 

Dealing with rude people at work

We encounter rude people everywhere, especially atour work places.

They are simply…rude. There’s possibly no reason for them to be like that towards you, but they just are. It’s appalling at times: cutting you in the coffee line, or getting aggressive for no reason, or not responding when you greet them in the morning. Generally, we just think to ourselves, ‘What just happened?’ and walk away. But at times, our niceness is seen as fear and the rude person’s behaviour continues to get worse. There are a few simple things you can do curb such behaviour:

#1 Turn around and face the perpetrator

Rude people are as worse as the bullies you faced in high school. You thought you’d never have to face them again in your adult life. But here they are again. Rude people think that they can get away with murder, a cocky confidence of being the alpha male or female of the pack. It could be a case ofmood swings, but there’s only so much you can take. Turn around and look them in the eye.

I had this female colleague who was rude to everyone. She’d treat people like they were her servants. She used that tone with me one day, which made me feel like I was nothing but a data entry operator. I didn’t say anything right away. I called her aside and said firmly, “I find your tone offensive. I don’t like being spoken to that way. I’d appreciate if you don’t use that tone with me again.’ I saw her crack. She apologized immediately and I personally haven’t had that issue with her again. This approach can be used in any situation, even if, say someone has been piling your desk with work. You can tell them, “I have a bunch of things in hand. If I finish those on time, I shall look at these.”

#2 Gandhigiri

Remember Munnabhai and his wise words? This approach works sometimes. Say someone is knowingly or unknowingly being rude and arrogant towards you. For example, your office peon tells you in an acerbic tone to come and get your tea from the pantry, you don’t need to stoop to his level and raise your voice. Instead, you gently smile and thank him for letting you know. For all you know, he’s going through a personal crisis at home. If your gentle behaviour touches him he’ll either apologize or alter his behaviour against you. Instead of giving rude people what they want -- a challenge, an opportunity for a fight -- you can practise Gandhigiri and throw them off.

#3 Don’t pay them much attention

Unfortunately, some people have never had the social training on how to be polite and well behaved in a civil society. There is no point in trying to change them. Avoiding them is the best option here. If you have to interact with them, keep your interaction to a minimum. Be the “hi, hello” kinds, as they say. Talk business and nothing else: “Please courier this packet to the mentioned address. Thanks.” The important thing to remember is to not lose your own temper, or else what’s the difference between that person and yourself? 

A mongrel will always bark at a passing elephant, but the elephant keeps walking. Follow this old saying and you will be just fine. See which approach from the ones mentioned above works for you. If nothing does, and the situation seems to be getting out of your hand, immediately report the matter to your HR department. Don’t let rude people get to you, and continue to enjoy your work.

JAMALPUR

As I start on a journey of putting my thoughts into words & sharing them with you, it is just befitting that I start from the very beginning. The beginning of me!

I hail from a small town in Bihar (India) called Jamalpur. And, I wouldn't blame it on you for not having heard of it earlier. I would start with describing it for you as the most beautiful town ever, picturesque, full with its share of hills, lakes & waterfalls. It is best known for hosting India's first & the largest Railway workshop. It also boasts of churning out in its foothills, the most revered Special Class Railway Apprentices, better understood as the Indian Railways' top brass, its mighty officers. Thanks to the Railways, Jamalpur has always had a very cosmopolitan feel.

Everything about this town is special… where on the one hand it has that oh-so rustic feel, on the other, its people display such broad-mindedness that could put into shells many of our metropolitan-denizens. It is a town as self-sufficient as could be. After having widely traveled the length & breadth of the country, I still maintain that I have not seen a school as mighty as Notre Dame Academy. This school has some of the greatest teachers who everyday play a very crucial role in churning out an enviable alumni list! You could say I am biased, but I say I have been fortunate to have spent my school years in this wonderful institution. And, I say so after having studied in some of the finest & highly prestigious colleges later in life. Alumni of this school have stormed the world & excelled beyond narration!

Everything about this place, small and big is special. The tinned Workshop boundary with long entwined black pipes welcome you as your train enters Jamalpur Junction. The majestic spread of the Workshop can leave great architects spellbound. As you enter this small town, be ready to appreciate the warmth that its people & buildings have to offer. The Kali pahaaddefines the skyline of the town. Climb up and you get to see the Water Works and the ancient Kali temple. Come monsoon and the sparkling waterfalls would be ready to wash down the hills.

No description of this town is complete without mentioning the very famous Golf Ground. I could even go on to say (& not get challenged) that no kid in this Railway township would have attained puberty without having tried a hand at golf. Or swimming. Or tennis. Or billiards. TheOfficers' Club has all of these and much more within a 10-minute walking distance; things you would end up spending a couple of grands & traveling tens of kilometers in a city like Delhi or Mumbai or Bangalore. Right from the years of British slavery, people of Jamalpur have been interested in sports & we do have those white men to thank for establishing the JSA Ground (stadium). Not to forget the Gymkhana, the Railway Institute & the Central Institute (CI) all of which gave cultural entertainment an all new scope & definition. The pandal at Children's Park during Durga Pujawould become the hub of all action, boasting of the Who's Who of Jamalpur & nearby towns.

Jamalpur is also known for some exquisite delicacies. Who would have sampled anywhere else on this planet, Mughlai Parantha the way Cooking House and Madras Coffee House prepared it & served so uniquely with a South Indian sambhar! And, that chicken curry at Hotel Yatrik, would leave behind preparations by the greatest of chefs in our star hotels.

Move a few kilometers ahead and you would reach Munger, Jamalpur's twin town. The Bihar School of Yoga, established as the headquarters of the International Yoga Fellowship has catapulted this town onto the world map. The Ganga flows serenely through this mystical town, washing away all sins & sorrows, which is why it is aptly called the Kashtharni. This town is also said to have great historical and mythological significance as being ruled by Karna during Mahabharata. The Fort ruins are still an indication of the might it would have commanded centuries earlier.